so here comes a breakdown...

oh, you wish you could

cam-
Big Simba with wind
harryplopper
it's probably unfair of me to want to hold you to your word.

"I can't live without you Jess, you are my best friend, and we basically have the best relationship in the world... You get pissed at me, I get pissed at you, we always come back... You nag at me, I diss (try to) you, and have our lives outside of each other... It seems no matter what (usually my idiocy) happens when we have time apart, it's like starting where we left off."

you know i'll never give up on you. i will be here waiting for your friendship forever. even if that day never comes. i will always root against the cowboys and i will always shrig and yeep yeep yerp and long for the days of mario and drinking games. fondly remembering msn messenger conversations and celebrating teenage birthdays. singing konstantine in a puddle of a tent. lying in the park staring at the sky asking the big questions.

those big questions are still here, but you're not. been through many a break up and heartbreak and yet losing you as a friend is the only thing that still hurts. i want nothing more than to have the attitude of 'well, you forgot me, so forget you too.' yet here i am, still missing your (huge) ass.

i don't know why i thought you'd be in my life forever, no one ever is.
only wish you the best. always

(no subject)
Big Simba with wind
harryplopper
i don't know what it's like to drive around without my check engine light on. nor do i know what it's like to have a full tank of gas. i eat cereal for dinner at midnight. and i'm lucky if i have fifty bucks in my bank account. i am the happiest i have ever been in my entire life. everything makes sense here. i found myself.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
amazing what a couple weeks can do. single socal beach life is my jam.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
it's so easy to be away for months at a time. i don't know where the time goes, only that it goes by too quickly. i'm having the time of my life. every day i meet new people. i have my beach life. i have people that don't know every sorry thing i've done and the person i was ten years ago. people only know what i want them to know. sharing stories from my past seems like a lifetime ago. i'm proud of myself for taking this chance and finally (albeit a bit late) having the college experience i was meant to live. we were meant to live for so much more...have we lost ourselves? my words aren't as crisp and fresh as they used to be. it's just rambles and stolen lyrics. maybe that's all this ever was anyway. besides being happier than ever, my life is a mess. everything hits the fan all at once. that's just what happens i guess. i debate asking "what next?" but i know that there's no coming back from that. we're all fucked, just gotta try and enjoy the ride.

(no subject)
Big Simba with wind
harryplopper
a rebound is supposed to be good for you. not hurt your heart in the way you've been running from. that defeats the purpose. very few tears have escaped lately and the fact that some did because of a new romance is shitty and wack as fuck. i may not be everything i strive to be but i am far from the worst. i'm better than past versions of myself and happier than i've been in ages. if someone doesn't get you is it their fault or yours? time to walk away. without placing blame sometimes it's just not meant to be. i long for socal. i long for my new life and not the old one that creeps back in and takes over due to current location. i will not cry over someone who does not know me. i will not cry over past relationships that didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. i will hold my (double) chin up high and deal with life each day as it comes, until it comes no more.

(no subject)
christmas spiderpig!
harryplopper
still hurt. especially knowing you don't care to do anything about it. there's nothing quite like the words from a friend to pierce your heart and keep you up at night. i hate that the internet has the past laid out and ready to lurk at any given moment. just spend a good half an hour looking at emotions from years before and that only adds more fuel to the flame. i don't care how unpoetic i sound, i don't care that this is pathetic. that's always kinda been my style. twenty four fucking years old and still expressing my bitterness and sorrows over the internet into blogs that people stopped reading forever ago. to the same place i started spilling my guts ten years ago. ridiculous. i don't have a single thing figured out in that time span. shoulda ended it then like i meant to. when the people that pulled you from the brink back then are the ones telling you to jump in the present. i'm sure even if i clarified every word i've written shit would still get misinterpreted. i'm always the asshole, the crazy bitch. if the shoe fits...

(no subject)
Big Simba with wind
harryplopper
it's worse when you never seen the punch coming. just left doubled over and reeling, unaware of what the hell is going on. you always do this to me. always. call me an alcoholic that you can't be around, tell me i'm damaged goods. tell me you want me, but never try to make anything of it. act like i'm a homewrecking bitch when i've barely seen you in the past two years. i've always been more invested in this friendship that you have. here i am thinking not many people know me better than you and then this nonsense. it chokes me up and knocks me stupid. i don't know why you would think i would want anything but the best for you. like i'm not happy that you're happy. i don't even get where that came from other than a jealous girlfriend problem, but even at that i don't know why you wouldn't just be straight with me instead of acting like i've been begging to suck your dick. i'm sitting around like an idiot thinking we're still close friends. that we'd always be.

and i'm the overreacting asshole somehow. i'm constantly amazed. if you wanted me to give up on you, you got it.

(no subject)
does whatever a spiderpig does
harryplopper
it's almost too much to come back here. like it belongs in the past with all the forgotten jokes and lost memories and broken friendships. yet here i am, ever the believer...reassuring myself constantly that i'm doing the right thing, it was for the best, it'll all work out in the end...but the end is the end and that seems pretty final and dark and gloomy, why am i pretending that it's something to look forward to? at the end of the day you have yourself and no one else. we're all in it alone. my heart hurts for all the wrong reasons. second guessing and wishing i could have a do-over. make things right. not lose everyone i ever let in. getting close to others is not something i do much of anymore. keep 'em a safe distance away with small talk and nonsense that doesn't matter, doesn't let them know much of anything. when my head hits the pillow at night it's me myself and my fucked up thoughts. there's supposed to be everything left to come and it feels like nothing.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
done. may have gotten off on the wrong foot already this year by not making changes. well, lets fix that. im no longer putting forth effort into one sided friendships. no more calls or texts that we both know you wont return. I get that we are grown up now and things are different. youre not the only one who is busy. but i feel like the only one who cares. love how our other friend rolls into town and you squeeze him in no matter what. not me though! im taking my hurt feelings and giving up. remember when you gave up on me?

I still hate promises.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
i am so frustrated. life just piles on one thing after another...when can i just have a day where everything, no, ANYTHING, goes right? seriously.

?

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