FRIENDS ONLY.
[previously acceptedloser and itstheway]
i keep trying to justify it. but it still hurts. and i hate knowing that i hurt him. is this life?
seeing 'look what i can do!' (+ flail) in real life from three feet away...priceless.
he made a good point at the end about life and how you just need to see the humor in it. i feel like that's a pretty simple thing that i basically live by already...but for some reason hearing him say that tonight was exactly what i needed. so! no more tears over this relationship, no more calling rose at two in the morning when i'm not drunk, and definitely no more drama. i'm ready to be happy, be myself, be funny. with or without my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend or i-love-you-but-don't-know-if-i-want-to-be-in-a-relationship guy or whatever he is).
strange to think that someone standing on a stage telling jokes can change everything.
god, i want that job so bad.
blink 182 was amazing.
i hate weezer.
and i love tbs but they only played new stuff and it was laaaaame.
love.
someone stole my pikachu n64 and i am beyond pissed. i know exactly who it was and if i don't get that thing back, shit's going down. fuck dude, nothing makes me more furious than people who steal. wait, make that people who come over and drink all my beer and THEN steal. fucker.
i am the happiest i have ever been
and yet i still hate myself for my weight
been a while. torn between being grateful for everything i have gained and mourning everything (and everyone) i've lost. something is missing. i am too caught up in finding the meaning of life to actually live.
everything is temporary.
i hope heaven is futurama
and somehow my life is a mess again. cool.
with alcohol, my thoughts stutter. i hate when people say such things, but really, if i can do this, i can do anything. my mind is a lot more pure and free and open. there is so much love. and so much pleasure in things that are often overlooked. i feel at peace. i like this person that i am. or am becoming. or have been all along. i don't know...but it feels right.
if there's anything that i hope to continue learning from him it would have to be his outlook on life. when i think about him, i think future. i think that cliche life that i constantly mock yet secretly want more than anything. white picket fence status. i think 'us.'
got a new journal and my old running shoes. never really needed much else.
why does everyone always blame me? i'm first to admit when something is my fault. but i love how relationship issues between other people are somehow always because of me. way back sophomore year someone said i ruined their life. "what happened?" with the classic response of "jessica happened." i've heard the life ruining thing more than once, like from the ex. seriously though, take some god damned responsibility on your lives and own up to the fact that it's your own insecurites causing your issues and not me. that is directed at so many people it's not even funny.
there is only one person in this world who could actually blame me for anything and trust me, you are not her.
this seems random but it's been boiling for a while and a conversation with an old friend the other day rekindled my feelings on the subject. i wasn't trying to steal your best friend or your boyfriend or any of that.
bothered.
"well, i don't know what i expected..."
the little things are still here to save me. i guess that's a relief.
i spent most of my night on the kitchen floor in the best way. i don't care that i work in three hours and i don't care that my day sucked but i do care that it just now hit me that football season is over. i need a spring passion. creativity overload this evening. so good. this is it. it's not right but it sure as hell ain't wrong.
it's always about tomorrow.
tomorrow this, tomorrow that
but tomorrow's changes don't come unless you make them today
gotta get back to the present, i was thinking way too long term for my liking.
i like being stuck
especially with you
more re-evaluating to come. in the meantime i'm beyond content with what's happened and what's left to come.
when the guilt sets in tell me what are we going to do?
i don't think it would kill you to text or call me back. that makes me feel like some crazy stalker girl when i'm pretty sure i used to be your best friend.
keep getting closer and closer to rock bottom. don't think you have any idea.
i saw bobby lee in his underwear so many times tonight it's not even funny. except for the fact that it's hilarious! really couldn't have been a better way to end winter break. comedy is like live music to me, it gives me that burst of passion that makes everything seem okay no matter what. i love it. i wish i could do that, it's on my list of dream jobs for sure.
independent like whoa, man. continuing the solo act and enjoying it for what it's worth. fresh starts once more.
i am at that point again where there is too much to be said.
so i won't say anything.
but what else is new right?
life is the most depressing thing we've got. it doesn't matter how high and drunk i am it's fucking true. all i did today was feel sad and become a fucked up wreck. but the dear sister snl skit still made me laugh even though it's two in the morning and i made peace with my roommate and told a friend a secret i've never told anyone. messy sloppy wasted drunk ass bitchhhh my life i have to wake up so soon for work but really it is what it is and it's over sooner than we think and we don't even know what it is or means so who the fuck cares right.
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harryplopper
