so here comes a breakdown...

oh, you wish you could

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
FRIENDS ONLY.

[previously acceptedloser and itstheway]

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper

you really fucked me up. a whirlwind two months of every imaginable (& even some unimaginable) emotion. i want you to be the best version of yourself. it's unfair of me to want the rest of what you first promised me, especially if that version of you isn't in there somewhere.

i love you. and also i hate what you put me through and the person the other shit turns you into. what a fucking mess dude.


(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper

or not.


(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper

the people on the crowded beach didn't exist to me. hell, the beach itself was barely there. it's just me and you. always has been, just didn't know it till now.


(no subject)
Big Simba with wind
harryplopper
summer finally spilled into fall, but that's not enough to fix this. i thought a chill in the air and my heart on my sleeve would be enough to make me feel something again, but the things i want i can't get back. lived the last two years of college like life was going out of style...and coming home has been nice for all of the reasons i've needed it to be, but i need to get my shit together. & i'm trying. god knows waiting tables and community college aren't things i'm doing just for fun. an ounce of understanding from any side would be great. i'm not my best right now and i'm sure that's on me but damn, if you only knew.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
see, here's the thing we have to take our clothes off it's never gonna be together. & i'm stuck in 2006 and that's honestly ridiculous. the more i try to make everything not fall apart, the more pieces shatter around me. it takes ten times longer to put it back together than it does to fall apart. i really am stuck.

(no subject)
spiderpig
harryplopper
so easy to lose people. and become lost. never ending proof that we're all in this alone.

blank space
it's enough for this wide eyed wanderer
harryplopper
don't say i didn't, say i didn't warn ya. fighting the urge to run far away from any sort of romantic feelings. is that really still who i am? yup. even if i might vaguely admit that i want it, it's too much. i'm still getting myself on track (because that is a never ending job, apparently) and i much prefer being emotionally unavailable. nice guys don't win. that's fucked up and absurd, but it's so much easier to give myself to someone who doesn't want anything back from me.

definitely having a 'want to crawl in a hole and die' kind of day. for no reason. clinging to the present moment because it's flying by and will be over before i know it. is a mid 20s crisis a thing? quarter life crisis? haven't i had a dozen of these already? even as i think i'm getting it together, i'm falling apart. always not seldom. first glimpse of a good thing and i'm backpedaling so hard, trying to escape.

turn it off.

(no subject)
christmas spiderpig!
harryplopper
i'm really into the bullshit of the "fresh start" that a new year supposedly brings. i'm a sucker for a clean slate and a new beginning...even if nothing ever changes. this past year had some great ups and some killer downs. ready to raise my glass & say hello to whatever lies ahead...

(no subject)
christmas spiderpig!
harryplopper
backspace, backspace, backspace. the blank page...the blinking of the cursor, waiting for me to get my shit together and throw some words out there. something, anything. i'm sure that my most frequently asked question of "what the hell happened last night?" tells you all you need to know about my current life status. been holding back the tears for so long now that they're trying to escape at the most inappropriate times. "don't catch feelings," he said. "just don't." i think the part that hurt most was that i know he's right, and i respect him for being honest. probably not ideal words to tell a drunk emotional girl at two am in the middle of finals week stress, though. at least i can say i've been more of a mess. not that this isn't messy as fuck, but i've made worse decisions, i'm sure. it's the same answer it's always been: turn it off, zero fucks, i got this. and that's exactly what i'm going to do. brush those feelings right the fuck off and rock the hell on. let's do it.

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